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Tebowed:The Movie


[Its 2:45 Monday morning and the door at the High View Mega Church swings open releasing the masses. Tim Tebow…fresh off a thrilling 32-17 victory over the Steelers…exits clutching his coat. As he looks back at the pastor he realizes that he had not thanked God for the mild weather so he dropped to a knee and handled that oversight. All of the sudden everything goes dark.]

[Aprox 3 hrs later]

[Tebow begins to slowly awaken. As he struggles to open his eyes he begins to recognize where he is.]

Tebow:  Why am I in the practice facility? What happened?

[He pulls himself up off the ground and he is struck by what he sees next. Off to one sideline there is some type of contraption around a blurry figure. As his vision begins to focus he is shocked to see that this figure is his friend and mentor Urban Meyer. Tim cocks his arms back and prepares to sprint to the aid of his beleaguered coach when he hears a voice….]

Elway:  Stop… do not take one step further. I have a gun focused on you and your former coach.

[Tebow looks down and sees a laser site on his chest and stops in his tracks.]

Tebow:  Who are you? Why are you doing this?

Elway:  I’m Jim Elway…I’m here to help you Tim. I am here to elevate your thinking.

Tebow:  I don’t understand. Are you related to John Elway? He knows me… he knows what a great guy I am..

Elway:  NO!! I am not related to him!! We are going to play a game Tim…I know you like games. In a minute I will give you three tasks to choose from. You may choose to complete any of the three tasks. If you successfully complete the task Mr Meyer will not lose one of his limbs. If you do not complete the task or choose not to participate… well then Urban’s not going to be opening many pickle jars anytime soon.

Tebow:  You cant do this!!! Why are you doing this to me? Do you want me to pray for you? Let God into your life and stop this madness!!

Elway:  I’m doing this to help you Tim. In the end you will thank me.

Meyer:  I have faith in you Tim. You can do this!!

Elway:  Now the machine you see surrounding Mr Meyer took me a great deal of time to prepare so you really must appreciate its genius. If you fail to complete a task Urban will lose his left arm. The machine will slice through the bone while simultaneously cauterizing the wound. You will also notice the IV in Mr Meyers arm. Its set to release a fair dose of morphine as needed. We wouldn’t want him to miss any of the fun. Are you ready to begin?

Tebow:  I don’t want to play your game. You’re sick and you need help.

Elway:  I assure you I am not sick and you will play the game or I will kill both of you. Doesn’t the Bible say something about suicide Tim?

[A shot rings out. Tim lurches as it passes near his right shoulder and is buried in the turf]

Meyer:  Tim he has us in a no win situation…we have to do what he says. You can do this!! There’s no one I would rather intrust my life to!!

Tebow:  Ok…. you win. I will play your game…just give me a second…

[Tim drops to a knee and begins to pray… several minutes go bye…]

Elway:  Ok Tim… thats enough. Are you ready?

Tebow:  When Jesus Christ is your Lord and saviour you are always ready sir.

Meyer:  You tell him Tim. You are going to do great. I love you like a son!!

Elway:  The rules are you can choose to complete any one of the next three tasks. You must complete them to the exact letter of the rules…no exceptions.

Tebow:  Im Ready!!

Elway:  Choice one- You have to denounce Jesus as nothing more than a man and a  false prophet. Not your Lord and saviour. You must disavow him completely. Tell me there is no God Tim!!!

Tebow:  I could never do that. Jesus is the son of the one true God and I will never denounce him!!  I will not let you test my faith!!! I will not spend an eternity in hell to make my life a little easier.

Elway:  Technically you would be making Mr. Meyers life a bit easier but if that’s how you feel we will move on.

Elway:  Choice Two- You have to go back into the locker room where you will find a completely willing and legal young woman. You must have premarital sex with her to completion. She is beautiful and is waiting for you.

Tebow:   Thats a sin against God and everything I stand for. I am not going disgrace myself that way. I will pray for that young lady and I hope she finds God so that she can feel what real love is!! When you have the love of Jesus Christ you dont need sex or physical pleasure.

Elway:  Your Third and Final Choice- Do you see that cardboard cut out of Eddie Royal down on the left sideline?

Tebow:  Yes I see it…why?

Elway:  Your final option is to throw a 25 yard deep out.. from the taped off pocket outlined on the field. All you have to do is hit the cutout with the football and you win. If the ball touches the cutout the attempt is successful. You will have three chances to make this throw.

[Just then the color disappears from Urban Meyers face. He now understands how dire his situation truly is]

Meyer:  Holy shit!! Tim…disavow Jesus…he will forgive you. Its ok Tim. Just do it this one time. I’m begging you!!!

Tebow:  Didnt you hear the last option? I just have to throw the ball to Eddie..I do that all the time. I dont think he knows who I am… we got really lucky Urban. I get three tries?? I’ll only need one!!

Meyer:  NO!! TIM DO NOT CHOOSE OPTION THREE!! Sleep with the girl..I’m sure shes nice. God will forgive you… do not choose option three!!

Tebow:  Urban..I’ve got this. Mr Elway I choose option three!! I dont think you thought this game out very well Mr. Elway. This is going to be too easy.

Elway:  That may be true Tim but lets just see how it plays out. Grab your first ball.

Meyer:  This isnt going to end well for me.

[Tim confidently walks over and grabs one of the balls out of the bin and begins to warm up]

Meyer:  Its not too late to reconsider this…

Elway:  Time to throw your first ball Tim. Get in the box and lets see what you can do.

[Tim looks over at Meyer and gives him a nod and then walks into the pocket area. He mutters to himself for a second…then he starts. He hikes the ball and circles slightly left. He grips the ball and violently brings his arm back and releases the ball with all his might. The ball takes an uneven flight path but he feels sure it will hit its mark]

Tebow:  Yeah….

[The ball lands 20 yards up field and far to the right of the Eddie Royal cutout]

Meyer:  Im so screwed.

Tebow:  What in the world!! I had that!!

Meyer:  No you didnt… you didnt even some what have it. You need to focus Tim!!

Tebow:  Eddie ran the wrong route!! I made a sight adjustment.. he was suppose to run a post in…

Meyer:  What the hell are you talking about? Its a cutout… its only ever going to stand right there. There isnt a defense Tim…. there are no damn sight what evers… stop messing around.

Tebow:  I just dont think that was fair….I had it come out of my hand.

Meyer:  Yeah you had it come out of your hand very very poorly!! I have a lot at stake here Tim…make a better throw next time.

Elway:  You still have two more chances Tim. I am sure you will get it this time. Have some faith Mr. Meyer.

Meyer:  If you’re so sure then come sit your ass in this chair!!

Tebow:  I’ve got this…that was a fluke. I never miss twice. I just hope Eddie does his part…

Meyer:  Its a CUTOUT!! It just stands there!!! Thats its job!! Now throw the damn ball!!

[Tim…more confident than ever… grabs another ball from the bin and walks into the pocket area. He again mumbles to himself and then he is ready. He hikes the ball…rolls a little further left and this time releases the ball with even more vigor. The ball is more crisp this time…almost a spiral….]

Tebow:  Yeah…….I told you I could…

[The ball falls 10 yards short and bounces out of bounds]

Tebow:  What in the world? Are these balls regulation? I think that one was over inflated……this has to be rigged!!

Meyer:  Is it too late for him to denounce Jesus?? Is the girl still available?? Can we make some kind of deal?? I’m willing to denounce anyone you want!!!

Elway:  He has made his choice. That throw was a little better. I am sure he will get it this time.

Meyer:  You’re sure…. great you’re sure. I am about to lose my arm because this moron wont say a few bad words about a guy that died thousands of years ago but you’re sure. Great. Why didnt I just let him go to Alabama. I knew this was going to come back to bite me.

Tebow:  He died for our sins Urban..

Meyer:  The way you throw the ball is a sin… thats whats a real sin.I say we put  Jesus in this chair then he can die for your sins again because you cant throw a damn football.

Tebow:  That hurts. I am going to get it this. Have faith. This is Gods way of testing me…… he wont let me fail.

Meyer:  Great…… focus this time Tim. I think…. I think.. that you can make this throw…. give it your best shot. I mean what other option do I have? Oh yeah… you could of  have just had sex but you cant do that. So just throw the ball and lets get on to my other arm!!

Elway:  Please complete your last throw Tim

[This time Tim walks a little slower over to the bin… as he approaches it..he pauses. Then he drops to one knee and throws his hands up into the air in a plea to God…several minutes pass. Tim rises and this time grabs the ball and flips it playfully into the air and points it at the cutout.]

Tebow:  Wait till you see this throw Urban….

Meyer:  I cant wait…I’m sure it will go somewhere…. looking forward to it…maybe after this throw I can qualify for the Paralympic Games in London. I always wanted to win a medal.

[Tim stands in the pocket and this time drops straight back…he pulls his arm back and releases the tightest spiral yet. The ball sails in the air…Tebow drops to his knees and stares down the throw]

Tebow:  Praise the Lord…. I knew you would see me through this…

[The ball sails 50 feet over the head of the cutout and ends up in the near the end zone]

Tebow:  He had that….why didnt he jump? What the hell are you doing Eddie?!??! This has to be the work of the Devil… I would never miss that throw three times. I’m going to pray for you Eddie… we will all be judged!!!

Elway:  That was very close but you know the rules…

Meyer:  Its a cutout you imbecile!!! It doesnt jump…ever…. it just sits there!! Thats not really Eddie…oh forget it. Elway you should cut off his left arm… its not like he uses it!!

[The machine starts and the loud motor and hum of the blade almost completely drowned out the screams of pain as the blade works its way through Urbans arm. Tebow drops to his knees and puts his head in his hands and starts to pray for Urban. After a few seconds the machine powers down and Meyers screams have turned into a faint whimper]

Elway:  You didnt do so well in that round Tim..but dont worry we are far from done.

[Tebow looks up..his eyes full of tears…]

Tebow:  What are you talking about?? I cost him his arm. He has to wait until he gets to heaven to get that back. I am ashamed that I let the Devil beat me.

Elway:  Well on the bright side… if you fail to complete a few more tasks.. I guess he will be getting that arm back soon.

Meyer:  Just kill me. I dont think I can stand to watch him throw another football…whats the point.


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